Quit the vlog?
So, I've been having second thoughts about my project #twlv and actually thinking about giving up and quit the vlog!
In aug I started my project #twlv, which is an experiment where I challenge myself to overcome the habits of me not finishing songs with trying to create 12 songs in 12 months.
Well, 4 months in and 3 songs later I feel like giving up!
The stress and anxiety has taken me in its firm grip and I just feel locked inside myself. I can’t create anything right now.
I’ve felt like this for the latest 2 months and I’ve been thinking about what the problem could be. I mean I went from so hyped just 4 months ago, to this state of mind. What happend and what should I do now?
I feel like a failure!
Last night I talked to one of my closest friends about the situation, and played with the thought of pressing pause or quitting this project. In my mind I played with different words to describe the situation and how saying it was going to make me feel.
And at first I felt like I was a failure. A disappointment to myself. And thoughts like, well this is typically me - always losing the read thread and never finishing anything! Same old, same me. Things like, maybe I should just start doing drugs again, popped up. A feeling of hopelessness took over my whole body!
But I didn’t get scared! I got curious!
It was interesting to observe how fast these chains of thoughts developed.
Like, start doing drugs again? Seriously. Naah. I don't think so!
3 years ago I got diagnosed with borderline, adhd and ptsd.
This means that my mood tends to change from really happy to very deep and sad within hours the same day. I can also be very impulsive and therefore I often lose the thread fast. And ptsd makes me dissociate and lose reality at times when feeling stressed which I’ve been feeling a lot the latest months!
Things that triggers my diagnosis are:
Change of environment
Change of routines
Lack of physical body training
Dark outside, No D-vitamin
And when I think about it. ALL these things has been checked in my box lately. I took my driver license for 3 intense weeks in another city where I studied hard every day and my daily routines flew out of the door. It has also went from summer, to autumn and winter in 2 months. And like all swedes especially Stockholm people, very few sun hours. So, this has absolutely made it challenging for me to work.
I push myself too hard
To often I have a hard time accepting, respecting and remembering my vulnerabilities. And as I’m writing this right now I realize that I often push myself too hard. And that has always been my problem. Which brings my thoughts to remembering why I started this project in the first place. To help myself to not lose my thread with a clear plan and structure.
12 songs, in 12 months, 1 song per month, talk about the process and how I feel. But the latest 2 months I felt like hiding. I didn’t want to share my dark feelings I’ve been having. I didn’t want to share anything because I’ve felt pressured and like everything was just standing still. But a lot has happened and I think that the process is in full bloom.
Why the 12 step program is so successful
When I entered the 12 step program over a year ago I learned to not hide in the dark anymore. I learned to talk about my emotions and not leave things out. I've learned to share with other people and hear other people sharing. And that is one of the many things why the 12 step program is so successful.
It is hurting like hell and I’m doubting myself but this is where I am right now. I don’t know If I want to continue with the project, that’s how I feel.
So is it a failure to quit?
Nothing is written or determined. And when I think about it, it is MY project and if the structure as it is now, pushes me too much, I can change it. That is not failing. That is just simply giving myself the best opportunities to grow. Because I'm done with pushing myself too hard. That is what I’ve been doing all my life. Trying to prove something, bending myself to be loved, heard, to be seen. I need to see myself, listen to myself and my own needs. And I need to share this, otherwise the darkness will catch me again.
Maybe it will take longer time, maybe it will be less songs, maybe I will do it in another way. Because changing the plan just means that I am being kind to myself and give myself the best condition to finish these songs and feel happy along the way. Cause that it matters to me - The journey, not the goal!
So, I guess I'm not giving up at all. :)
(I actually "forgot" to share this last month, but I'm sharing it now)