The other day I found this tune who died along with my crashed hard drive..and I was listening to the lyrics and it was like a walk down the memory lane of how I used to be. Both towards myself and others.
For long I've been living a destructive life. I always found a way to make my life harder for myself. Either it was falling in love with people who didn't love me back or it was not appreciating someone who actually loved me. Instead I took them for granted. And if someone appreciated my music or wanted to work with me, I made sure it didn't happened. I wasn't open to love or be loved. Because I didn't know what love was and I didn't loved myself and treated everyone else the way I felt inside.
How's it going?
So, I'm in the middle of my process creating the first of 12 songs for my #TwlvChallenge and Im already feeling pressured! In only 15 days I am going to release the first song...and I have started about 5 different songs, but none of them are good enough...! My girlfriend thinks I'm psychotic, which I am, because I spend every waken hour on working. #workaholic
Im also being totally overambitious with everything I do right now and It is going to get me burnt out if I don't stop.
Last week I went out to create some easy and simple content for Social Media.
I really, really just wanted some videos and photos for my Instagram. But what I ended up with something that looks likesome kind of music video?
Well I recognize this behavior. This is what always happen when I try to finish and release stuff. Im being overambitious and I try to control everything, so it can be perfect. Because deep down I think I just want to be appreciated and loved. Who doesn't of course, but to the cost of your health and maybe relationships?
So, this is what I am working on the most right now. To let go, to say it is okay that this is my best and if I'm happy that is fine by me. Not everyone has to love me or love the things I do. And somethings are great but most things are good, good enough! Im also observing what happens inside of me when I release things..Right now I feel like I'm going to freak out ..
But I´ve decided to do this now. To not chicken out, to become friends with emotions that makes me wanna flee. Emotions that I always acted on before using drugs or alcohol I'm now meditating away. Right now it is a struggle. But I look at it with curiosity..It hurts, but it hurts good.
Treat Me Good
Before I treated myself bad, with destructive relationships both towards myself and others. Today, I strive towards what's best for me. And the biggest difference today is that even tho I fall into old patterns and I'm scared as hell, I want to treat myself good! And I do that by also surrounding myself with positive and supporting people. Like my cousin and my girlfriend for instance. Thank you both for supporting me even tho I'm a bit 2 much at times ❤️
Anyways ..tomorrow I will post an overambitious video. It was ment to be a 30 seconds video of me banging on my mashine mk3 micro..But like I said..I got carried away…
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Oh… Something is missing! I can’t put my finger on what it is?
The sound’s not there… yet… Maybe if I tweak a little tune here, rewrite the lyric there, maybe then it will be finished?
...Maybe then it will be good enough?
So, I've been creating music alone in the dark for almost 15 years, scared of releasing my material and what people would think of me - and my music. I probably had at least 10-15 albums on my hard-drive that all went to ”waist” 3 months ago when I dropped that little bastard on the floor!
In 1 second, 15 years of songs, lyrics, instrumentals, beats were just "poof" — gone! You should have seen the look on my face. . . ^^
If you’ve found this page you probably already know I’m a singer-songwriter, music producer. However, you might not know I'm an addict.
Being sober 1 year - a journey through my fears.
This Saturday (aug 15 2019) I’m celebrating 1 year as sober by releasing my new music project – a vlog called #TWLV which I’m very excited about. It’s basically a journey where I’m meeting my fears, while sharing my creative process to challenge myself to create 12 songs, in 12 months. Hopefully I will be able to finish these songs, to let go and to move on.
Here’s a little background story.
About a year ago I stumbled into my first 12 step meeting after a long and hard relapse with drugs and alcohol. Again! I was broken down in pieces because I’ve tried to quit for years, but always ended up using again and destroying my life!
I’d come to the point in my life where I couldn’t feel anything anymore, I had become numb. But that day I cried during the whole meeting and had to rush out of the room - because I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown every third minute. I was so scared.
"But it was something about that room though that made me stay"
People from every corner of the world, with different backgrounds, had the same problems as me. When you start drinking, or in my case, smoking weed – you just can't stop. It's a fact, some people can handle it, but some just can’t, and I'm one of those people. My life was falling apart because of it! I know it sounds stupid... maybe, but it did.
"All my dreams flew out of the window"
I was broke, had lost my job, my girlfriend and my dog just died! Life was shitty, I was depressed and felt lonely and didn’t see a way out!
"The people in that meeting had somehow managed to change their lives"
Many of them, who had been in a much worse condition than I was in, was now feeling happy and seemed so at peace with their life, that I just had to come back to check out what the deal was! After that very first meeting, I left them feeling uplifted and for the first time in years, I felt hope. And I didn’t feel alone!
That was August 15th 2019. And today one year later, I feel like I see the world in a new light and like... I’m a whole new person. Or actually, I’m more like the person I always knew I was inside, and the person I wanted to be. Because now, I try my best every day. I wake up in the morning feeling excited.
I wake up in the morning feeling excited!
I’m thankful for every moment and I appreciate what I have and work hard towards what I want. I feel like I’ve gotten my life back. I’ve spent so many years busy creating my own problems and standing in my own way of creating the life I wanted. Today, I don’t want to waste a single minute. I’m ready to start living here and now.
New challenges and goals!
One of my biggest dreams has always been to be able to make a living out of music, which I actually did sometimes when I was using drugs too, but I never really made it because I always carried around a feeling of not ever being good enough. I handled that by drinking and smoking weed.
Now when I’m sober I can start focusing on working with myself to create the life I picture for myself. #TWLV is an experiment where I am going to try to work with my anxiety and obsession over everything needing to be perfect all the time. I am going to create 12 songs, in 12 months to have a structure to work after and a clear vision and goal. And I want to share my journey because I think there are a lot of us out there, and maybe we can support each other. I don’t know if it’s going to work at all, but it’s worth a try, right?
It’s going to be a bumpy ride but I’m up for the challenge. The episodes or songs aren’t recorded yet and everything will happen ”live” and I’m already feeling pressured ;)
It hurts in every inch of my body, and you know what, I love to be able to feel that!