So, I've been having second thoughts about my project #twlv and actually thinking about giving up and quit the vlog!
In aug I started my project #twlv, which is an experiment where I challenge myself to overcome the habits of me not finishing songs with trying to create 12 songs in 12 months.
Well, 4 months in and 3 songs later I feel like giving up!
The stress and anxiety has taken me in its firm grip and I just feel locked inside myself. I can’t create anything right now.
I’ve felt like this for the latest 2 months and I’ve been thinking about what the problem could be. I mean I went from so hyped just 4 months ago, to this state of mind. What happend and what should I do now?
I feel like a failure!
Last night I talked to one of my closest friends about the situation, and played with the thought of pressing pause or quitting this project. In my mind I played with different words to describe the situation and how saying it was going to make me feel.
And at first I felt like I was a failure. A disappointment to myself. And thoughts like, well this is typically me - always losing the read thread and never finishing anything! Same old, same me. Things like, maybe I should just start doing drugs again, popped up. A feeling of hopelessness took over my whole body!
But I didn’t get scared! I got curious!
It was interesting to observe how fast these chains of thoughts developed.
Like, start doing drugs again? Seriously. Naah. I don't think so!
3 years ago I got diagnosed with adhd, borderline and ptsd.
This means that my mood tends to change from really happy to very deep and sad within hours the same day. I can also be very impulsive and therefore I often lose the thread fast. And ptsd makes me dissociate and lose reality at times when feeling stressed which I’ve been feeling a lot the latest months! ( A little side note, I will actually do new investigations because it is very common that you will be diagnosed with different mental illnesses when really the problem is drugs and alcohol. Very often when you quit taking drugs the symptoms subside. I've already noticed a change 18 months into my sobriety)
Anyways, things that triggers my diagnosis are:
Change of environment
Change of routines
Lack of physical body training
Dark outside, No D-vitamin
And when I think about it. ALL these things has been checked in my box lately. I took my driver license for 3 intense weeks in another city where I studied hard every day and my daily routines flew out of the door. It has also went from summer, to autumn and winter in 2 months. And like all swedes especially Stockholm people, very few sun hours. So, this has absolutely made it challenging for me to work.
I push myself too hard
To often I have a hard time accepting, respecting and remembering my vulnerabilities. And as I’m writing this right now I realize that I often push myself too hard. And that has always been my problem. Which brings my thoughts to remembering why I started this project in the first place. To help myself to not lose my thread with a clear plan and structure.
12 songs, in 12 months, 1 song per month, talk about the process and how I feel. But the latest 2 months I felt like hiding. I didn’t want to share my dark feelings I’ve been having. I didn’t want to share anything because I’ve felt pressured and like everything was just standing still. But a lot has happened and I think that the process is in full bloom.
Why the 12 step program is so successful
When I entered the 12 step program over a year ago I learned to not hide in the dark anymore. I learned to talk about my emotions and not leave things out. I've learned to share with other people and hear other people sharing. And that is one of the many things why the 12 step program is so successful.
It is hurting like hell and I’m doubting myself but this is where I am right now. I don’t know If I want to continue with the project, that’s how I feel.
So is it a failure to quit?
Nothing is written or determined. And when I think about it, it is MY project and if the structure as it is now, pushes me too much, I can change it. That is not failing. That is just simply giving myself the best opportunities to grow. Because I'm done with pushing myself too hard. That is what I’ve been doing all my life. Trying to prove something, bending myself to be loved, heard, to be seen. I need to see myself, listen to myself and my own needs. And I need to share this, otherwise the darkness will catch me again.
Maybe it will take longer time, maybe it will be less songs, maybe I will do it in another way. Because changing the plan just means that I am being kind to myself and give myself the best condition to finish these songs and feel happy along the way. Cause that it matters to me - The journey, not the goal!
So, I guess I'm not giving up at all. :)
(I actually "forgot" to share this last month, but I'm sharing it now)
In my first episode on #Twlv "How getting sober changed my life" I talked about my every day routines. One thing I do every day is that I am writing down 3 things I'm thankful for and 3 affirmations in my dairy. And since I've been having a little internet detox break for the latest week to cleanse my brain, I thought that I could at least share this routine that really helped me to create a positive mindset and learn to appreciate things even when life is hard :)
So for today:
Im thankful for having food on my table. Im thankful that I gave myself the love to cook something real tasty and healthy to eat today, Im also thankful that the sun showed its face and spread some light today.
I am doing my best everyday and it is okay if my best didn't match up to my expectations.
I choose to find solutions to my problems.
I am a positive person
Tomorrow I'm going to do my meditation, work with the kids in the studio, go to my Thursday ADHD group meeting to learn some new cool stuff. I'm looking forward to waking up!
So, my friends and family keep asking me, how's everything going Dajana?
Are you done with your song..? Have you started shooting a video for it?
And the answer is: No! No! No!
Why is that? Well, because Im very good at procrastinating. Actually I'm a PRO! And I know I'm not alone with this behavior! You know, When you've got a pile of stuff to do but instead watch netflix and surf around on the net. You do everything else BUT the things that needs to be done.
For example - Right now, I'm editing a video ironically called procrastinating. I recorded it few months ago with the thought that it would be the first song for the project..but what ended up being something totally different..And I just talked to a friend about this and how hard it was to focus and............wait a minute....... I was about to write a lot more things right now but...
It just hit me 🤔🥊
Maybe I’m procrastinating..like, freaking right now..? I mean writing this blog post NOW, ..when I was actually supposted to edit the video... But what I really should be doing was focusing on creating the #twlv songs.
OMG. 😵. Ok I need to go but first..
5 ways to finally stop procrastinating
.. I just had to watch some youtube videos and read a little about how I can stop this behavior, like asap, and here is 5 ways on how you can STOP procrastinating especially if you have ADHD like me:
Get into the vibe/workmode. For me its cooling down, with just making tee and a good sandwich with a lot of butter and honey. That will give me the energy to focus and I get into the work mode feeling satisfied and calm.
Make sure to switch your phone to flight mode, for obvious reasons!
Set a timer. Tell yourself, today I will work for ex, 3 hours. Set a timer for every 30 minutes and take a 5-7 minutes break. And time the breaks aswell. I always need to set a timer when I start to work aswell, because I could go on forever. Discipline is a must here. (If you want me to write about how I learned how get more disciplined, like this post)
One thing at a time, ALWAYS! Tip: Open up a document and write down the things you need to do, so you can visiualize it and then I just follow the list and mark the things you've done. Doing that you also get rewarded by seeing that you get things done. (Don't make the list to long, it to long)
Have fun. This is important. Even if it is boring try to make it fun. For me it works with treating myself with cookies or candy while working so I feel good doing for example boring things. (I recommend working out in the gym every now and then, if you do this to often hahah)
To learn more, read/watch here👇
"How to stop procrastinating" videos (Love that being on youtube tho🤦🏾♀️😅)
If YOU are here procrastinating on my website right now? Are you? Make sure to like and share this blog AND when you visit youtube to watch the videos I linked...subscribe to my channel aswell👇
MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGy3HHZGQXSICu9GVaVlXeg
Then get the hell back to work won't ya!!
/Well, I really need to go...creating that song now!! Tingeling!!🤠🐎